★ 論“不小心吃到狗食”

“Snausages？我吃了一堆狗零食？你沒事干嗎把狗食跟其他食物放在一起？管他呢，反正它很好吃，沒什么好丟臉的?！?/p>

☆On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats

“Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.”

★ 論“參加高一足球隊選拔賽”

“我絕不會讓你去參加選拔賽，你瘦成那副德行……我就直說好了，你不是想干什么就能干什么，況且你絕對算不上什么男子漢啦?！?/p>

☆On Trying Out for the High School Freshman Football Team

“I ain’t letting you try out, you’re too skinny.... No, I hate to break it to you, but you can’t do whatever you want and you most certainly are not a man.”

★ 論“《歡笑一籮筐》主持人的舉止”

“記住那張臉，長那張臉的人一定很討厭他自己?！?/p>

☆On Bob Saget’s Demeanor While Hosting America’s Funniest Home Videos

“Remember that face. That’s the face of a man who hates himself.”

★ 論“怯場”

“那些人沒什么好怕的。他們也是會吃喝拉撒睡，跟你一樣。嗯，也不盡然，你的胃不大好。”

☆On Being Intimidated

“Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Well, maybe not just like you. You got those stomach problems.”

★ 論“培根的療效”

“別在那邊窮擔心了，來吃培根吧……什么？哦，我哪知道培根能不能讓你舒服點，我只是不小心煎太多培根了?！?/p>

☆On the Medicinal Effects of Bacon

“You worry too much. Eat some bacon.... What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better,  I just made too much bacon.”

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