★ 論“養(yǎng)狗”

“那誰來照顧狗？你嗎？……兒子，別忘了你昨天回家時手上還沾著大便，而且是人類的大便。我不知道這是怎么回事，但是如果有人連手都會沾到大便，就表示或許他還負(fù)不起責(zé)任?！?/p>

☆On Getting a Dog

“Who’s going to take care of it? You?... Son, you came in the house yesterday with shit on your hands. Human shit. I don’t know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it’s an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn’t for them.”

★ 論“每天洗澡”

“你已經(jīng)十歲了，所以每天都得洗澡……我不管，就算討厭也要洗。沒有人喜歡小臭蛋，我也不想有個臭蛋兒子?！?/p>

☆On Showering with Regularity

“You’re ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day.... I don’t give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”

★ 論“樂高積木”

“聽好，我不是要扼殺你的創(chuàng)意，但你蓋的那個東西，簡直就是一坨屎?！?/p>

☆On LEGOs

“Listen, I don’t want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks like a pile of shit.”

★ 論“學(xué)校的父親日”

“這些可以請假的家長是吃飽沒事干嗎？我就算真要休假，也絕對不會去跟一群十一歲的小鬼排排坐?！?/p>

☆On Bring-Your-Dad-to-School Day

“Who are all these fucking parents who can take a day off? If I’m taking a day off, I ain’t gonna spend it sitting at some tiny desk with a bunch of eleven-year-olds.”

★ 論“六年級的家長會”

“我覺得那個老師看你不順眼，所以咧，我也看她不順眼。你確實沒有優(yōu)秀到哪里去，但絕對是個好孩子，莫名其妙！她搞什么啊?！?/p>

☆On My Sixth-Grade Parent-Teacher Conference

“I don’t think that teacher likes you, so I don’t like her. You ding off more shit than a pinball, but goddamn it, you’re a good kid. She can go fuck herself.”

★ 論“七年級的第一支舞”

“你擦香水了嗎？……兒子，我們家沒有半瓶古龍水，只有你媽有香水。我聞過那個香味。不得不跟你說，在十三歲的兒子身上聞到老婆的味道，只能用不舒服這個詞來形容?！?/p>

☆On My First Dance in Seventh Grade

“Are you wearing perfume?... Son, there ain’t any cologne in this house, only your mother’s perfume. I know that scent, and let me tell you, it’s disturbing to smell your wife on your thirteen-year-old son.”

★ 論“不敢在小學(xué)廁所上大號”

“兒子，你抱怨也要看對象，你爸隨時隨地都能大便，這就是我厲害的地方，搞不好還是我最了不起的地方咧?！?/p>

☆On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you’re complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It’s one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”

★ 論“我在少兒棒球聯(lián)盟選拔賽五十米短跑得到最后一名”

“你的樣子，實在有點像是被一群蜜蜂追著跑。我還看到那個拿著秒表的小胖子開始大笑……這么說好了，被胖子嘲笑絕對不是什么好事。”

☆On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts

“It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing.... Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.”

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[1]?青蛙過街（Frogger）：20世紀(jì)80年代極受歡迎的大型電玩游戲。